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Hey BOA, I just had my 11th grade daughter read this. Here's what she had to say.
1. It's too repetitive, and you have at least 10 sentences that start with the word 'smoking'.
2. Grammar & spelling are part of EVERY rubric.
3. You combined facts & opinions, where the latter should only be in your argument.
4. Agree's that it'll only get you a low B or C grade.
I didn't come here to fight, I hate fighting. Life is way too short to spend it on fighting! Go fight with yourself, one of you will eventually win!
Originally posted by mybills Hey BOA, I just had my 11th grade daughter read this. Here's what she had to say.
1. It's too repetitive, and you have at least 10 sentences that start with the word 'smoking'.
2. Grammar & spelling are part of EVERY rubric.
3. You combined facts & opinions, where the latter should only be in your argument.
4. Agree's that it'll only get you a low B or C grade.
OK please don't kill me guys. I have never been a very good writer but I can BS with the best of them
BOA I have rewritten the opening paragraph so you can see what a Thesaurus can do for you. I won't promise the grammar is perfect but I think this flows much better and is less repetitive.
Smoking cigarettes has been proven to be detrimental to your health and the health of others. It is this writer’s opinion that it should be illegal throughout the world. It has been confirmed to cause cancer in a majority of people that smoke. Smokers not only hurt themselves, some studies have shown that it may cause asthma and other respiratory problems in children and adults. Cigarette butts littered all over the side of the road can cause damage to wildlife and the environment as well.
Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything.
- Frank Dane
"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
-Thomas Jefferson
The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.
- Mark Twain
Originally posted by Voltron OK please don't kill me guys. I have never been a very good writer but I can BS with the best of them
BOA I have rewritten the opening paragraph so you can see what a Thesaurus can do for you. I won't promise the grammar is perfect but I think this flows much better and is less repetitive.
Smoking cigarettes has been proven to be detrimental to your health and the health of others. It is this writer’s opinion that it should be illegal throughout the world. It has been confirmed to cause cancer in a majority of people that smoke. Smokers not only hurt themselves, some studies have shown that it may cause asthma and other respiratory problems in children and adults. Cigarette butts littered all over the side of the road can cause damage to wildlife and the environment as well.
Originally posted by mybills Hey BOA, I just had my 11th grade daughter read this. Here's what she had to say.
1. It's too repetitive, and you have at least 10 sentences that start with the word 'smoking'.
2. Grammar & spelling are part of EVERY rubric.
3. You combined facts & opinions, where the latter should only be in your argument.
4. Agree's that it'll only get you a low B or C grade.
What BOA Reads:
blah, blah, blah hmmmmm 11th grade... I wonder of she's hot. blah, blah, blah
I know but I wanted to show him what a Thesaurus can do for you
Hell I don't care if he copies it because he will have a decent opening paragraph and the rest will look like crap so his teacher will know he didn't do his own work.
Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything.
- Frank Dane
"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
-Thomas Jefferson
The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.
- Mark Twain
Even if you were to fix up the entire essay, the teacher would still know that BOA didn't write it because it wouldn't resemble anything that he has ever written in his life.
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